Being Mommy #1
Hi Guys.
I hope everyone had a good week. Today I wanted to talk about mommy toddler stuff and the emotional roller coaster I've been on since moving to Washington State from Los Angeles on Nov. 15 2014. Since becoming a mother, I've gone through many stages of emotions (happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, joy, etc). There have been times where I would feel overwhelmed with the daily task of splitting my time with caring for my baby, work, and housework. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety so sometimes I can feel quite overwhelmed when I'm put into a stressful situation. During these moments where I felt completely submerged in my daily duties as a first time mom, wife and business owner, memories of my own mom would pop up in my mind and I again would feel the sadness and loneliness of not having a mom to run to. My mom and I have been on the outs since I was 14 and completely stopped communicating when I was 21. There is no chance of reconciliation in terms of how she feels (even though in my heart I wish we could...). My mom was a single working mom of five kids, with me being the oldest. She was a business owner and when I was a kid, she was my hero. These days, as I make my way through the trials and tribulations of growing up, being married, running a business, and having a baby, I sometimes wish deep down in my heart that I had her there to go to whenever I'd reach a road block in my life as a mommy and wife. I need her advice and love but unfortunately am unable to break through her walls. It secretly breaks my heart knowing that my daughter will never know her grandmother through my side of the family. Sad to say but my PTSD and general anxiety stems from my childhood and adolescence with her...
So now, as I experience the ups and downs of motherhood, I generally pull any lessons and experiences I went through growing up with my younger siblings to guide me in my journey of being a better mom to my daughter than what my mom was to me. It hasn't been easy, any mom could tell you that. During my last trimester of pregnancy, I was afraid I would experience some form of post partum depression due to my terrible teen years with my mom. However, the first few months with a newborn were the scariest yet most fullfilling moments of my life thus far. As I closely held my daughter during that time, I felt this mental bond forming and strengthening between us and I knew during that time that there was nothing to worry about in terms of post partum depression. I knew that the joy I felt in my heart was raw and real. Did my mom experience this emotion with her kids? With me? I hope it did...but I can't ever ask her.
Generally speaking, these last few years have been a blessing. Of course there were moments where I was over my head with stress (I stress easily). I had a C- Section due to a misunderstanding with the nurses at the hospital and the pain from the incision on top of the horrible allergic skin reaction I had to the medical tape they used around the incision was unimaginable....The side effects from the pain meds they gave me made me sooo uncomfortable and miserable. And because I operated my own independent dog grooming business, I had many customers calling and requesting appointments so resting during this time wasn't an option. I basically went back to grooming dogs of all sizes a month after having a C section. It was tough LOL!
But fast forward two years and seven months and here I am today with a spunky strong minded sometimes rebellious toddler that is taking all of my energy and patience to care for. Prior to parenthood, I only had knowledge of the "terrible twos". When Alaina was around 1 year and 8 months, the terrible twos reared it's ugly head but I got through it and thought to myself at the time "ok that wasn't so bad....". After the so called terrible twos, life with a toddler was a breeze. I honestly was so in love with my day to day life with my baby. She was mommy's little girl. However, now that Alaina is nearing age 3, I've been dealing with what I'm told are the "terrible 3s"....I didn't even know this existed until now. This time around is much harder only because she is more vocal, mobile, and inquisitive. There have been times where she will be so indifferent towards me when she is on a rebellious streak choosing to give her attention only towards her dad. Honestly, its broken my heart during the times where she would act indifferent towards my sadness/frustration and crying alone in an empty kitchen was all I could do. I know kids go through phases and that parenthood will always have it's ups and downs. Being as sensitive as I am, I need to remind myself daily that all I can do is be the best mom I can be and over time my daughter will one day understand and appreciate all that her mom and dad have done for her. She is still a great little girl; so full of energy, smiles, and hugs.
I hope everyone had a good week. Today I wanted to talk about mommy toddler stuff and the emotional roller coaster I've been on since moving to Washington State from Los Angeles on Nov. 15 2014. Since becoming a mother, I've gone through many stages of emotions (happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, joy, etc). There have been times where I would feel overwhelmed with the daily task of splitting my time with caring for my baby, work, and housework. I suffer from PTSD and anxiety so sometimes I can feel quite overwhelmed when I'm put into a stressful situation. During these moments where I felt completely submerged in my daily duties as a first time mom, wife and business owner, memories of my own mom would pop up in my mind and I again would feel the sadness and loneliness of not having a mom to run to. My mom and I have been on the outs since I was 14 and completely stopped communicating when I was 21. There is no chance of reconciliation in terms of how she feels (even though in my heart I wish we could...). My mom was a single working mom of five kids, with me being the oldest. She was a business owner and when I was a kid, she was my hero. These days, as I make my way through the trials and tribulations of growing up, being married, running a business, and having a baby, I sometimes wish deep down in my heart that I had her there to go to whenever I'd reach a road block in my life as a mommy and wife. I need her advice and love but unfortunately am unable to break through her walls. It secretly breaks my heart knowing that my daughter will never know her grandmother through my side of the family. Sad to say but my PTSD and general anxiety stems from my childhood and adolescence with her...
So now, as I experience the ups and downs of motherhood, I generally pull any lessons and experiences I went through growing up with my younger siblings to guide me in my journey of being a better mom to my daughter than what my mom was to me. It hasn't been easy, any mom could tell you that. During my last trimester of pregnancy, I was afraid I would experience some form of post partum depression due to my terrible teen years with my mom. However, the first few months with a newborn were the scariest yet most fullfilling moments of my life thus far. As I closely held my daughter during that time, I felt this mental bond forming and strengthening between us and I knew during that time that there was nothing to worry about in terms of post partum depression. I knew that the joy I felt in my heart was raw and real. Did my mom experience this emotion with her kids? With me? I hope it did...but I can't ever ask her.
Generally speaking, these last few years have been a blessing. Of course there were moments where I was over my head with stress (I stress easily). I had a C- Section due to a misunderstanding with the nurses at the hospital and the pain from the incision on top of the horrible allergic skin reaction I had to the medical tape they used around the incision was unimaginable....The side effects from the pain meds they gave me made me sooo uncomfortable and miserable. And because I operated my own independent dog grooming business, I had many customers calling and requesting appointments so resting during this time wasn't an option. I basically went back to grooming dogs of all sizes a month after having a C section. It was tough LOL!
But fast forward two years and seven months and here I am today with a spunky strong minded sometimes rebellious toddler that is taking all of my energy and patience to care for. Prior to parenthood, I only had knowledge of the "terrible twos". When Alaina was around 1 year and 8 months, the terrible twos reared it's ugly head but I got through it and thought to myself at the time "ok that wasn't so bad....". After the so called terrible twos, life with a toddler was a breeze. I honestly was so in love with my day to day life with my baby. She was mommy's little girl. However, now that Alaina is nearing age 3, I've been dealing with what I'm told are the "terrible 3s"....I didn't even know this existed until now. This time around is much harder only because she is more vocal, mobile, and inquisitive. There have been times where she will be so indifferent towards me when she is on a rebellious streak choosing to give her attention only towards her dad. Honestly, its broken my heart during the times where she would act indifferent towards my sadness/frustration and crying alone in an empty kitchen was all I could do. I know kids go through phases and that parenthood will always have it's ups and downs. Being as sensitive as I am, I need to remind myself daily that all I can do is be the best mom I can be and over time my daughter will one day understand and appreciate all that her mom and dad have done for her. She is still a great little girl; so full of energy, smiles, and hugs.
"The secret of getting ahead is to get started." -Mark Twain
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